HE-HAW!

Critter #1 Update- 13 months
He-haw, he-haw, he-haw! Puzzled, I am wondering why my child is running around the house sounding like a country western soundtrack? Well after a few days we realize he is trying to say his name Le-viiii! He has also added the words up, doggy, and da or da-dy, and possibly mama to his other words of hi, wow, and this (his favorite). Lawrence also tried to teach him the word Butt and it worked but he can not use it in context (ie "HI BUTT, WOW!" or "HI DOGGY BUTT!")

Temperment continues to be toddler bi-polar like...from laughing to screaming in 2 seconds flat if he does not get his way. I am guessing maybe 50 meltdowns a day with a fast recovery the second he gets what he wants. My mom says I was this way but I can't really imagine myself being anything less than a perfect child really. He is a real boy's boy and hates being in the house and loves being outside collecting sticks and playing in the mud to my washing machine's dismay.

Being a less than perfect parent I admit I run out of steam with him around 5:30 when he is cranky and tired but not ready for bed. This is when I call in my arsenal of "weapons" to combat this behavior including:
1. Bribery with goldfish crackers- whole wheat ones because I care.
2. Nick Jr. -In order to not feel so bad about subjecting my son to TV....I describe what is happening during Yo Gabba Gabba such as "a man of semi-questionable sexuality in an orange jumpsuit is dancing!"
3. Pleading and praying that daddy will come home soon to rescue me
4. Eh why do I even care..go ahead and pull all the pots out of the cabinet
5. More praying..looking at clock..it is 7 yet? I need a drink..dammit I can't have one!

Critter #2 4 Month Update:
Feeling good. Asian women at the nail salons are rubbing my belly now. This is a good sign. They always ask if it's a boy with excitement. I look confused. Up 8 pounds..hungry as hell all the time..consuming about 3+ Hershey bars a day (don't act like that is a bad thing). Getting emotional at ASPCA ads and Extreme Makeover Home Edition (don't act like this is a good thing)

Belly shot- 16 weeks

Real Housewives of Brentwood?

I have not met a Real Housewives season I have not enjoyed. But Real Housewives Beverly Hills is just too good. Why? It strikes really close to home..like a few miles close. Although we live in Brentwood, I often wander the streets drawing up a caricature of such creatures that roam my neck of the woods.

Said housewives:

1. Drive Range Rovers- it is key to have a car that can traverse cliffs and sand when traveling from pre-school drop off, to Spago for lunch, the gym, then Neiman Marcus for a little shopping. Then off to Whole Foods for some organic apples, gluten free bread, and sugar free granola (total- $40)

leaving Whole Foods

2. Have two kids with names like Finley and Atticus or Georgia. There is always an Orbit or Bugaboo stroller to match, along with a nanny. Okay now I am just getting jealous.

Finley

Atticus

3. Wear "The Uniform": This is not New York people. The key is to look like you are wearing cheap sweats but the joke is that they cost hundreds of dollars! HA! good places to start are with the brands FREE CITY, HARD TAIL, OR JUICY (if this was the early 2000's). Brentwood weather can be harsh getting into the 60's so UGG boots are a staple. Pair this aforementioned look with a most excellently overpriced pair of GUCCI or PRADA glasses are you are ready to hit Starbucks with Atticus for your non-fat soy chai latte!

The "Uniform"

4. Send their kids to the "top" pre-school: Now I am not sure about other people, but my memories of pre-school involve eating cheetos off the floor (mostly because my mom was a health nut and packed me carrots) and making some pretty sweet macaroni necklaces. Well, I am pretty sure the kids in preschool here are drawing up plans to reorganize the government and built hybrid cities because the steps to get your kid in quite complicated.
Step One- Join the temple.Now you ask? No, you needed to have joined years ago!
Step Two- attend mommy and me costing $600 a session. Certainly not a steep price to pay for letting you kid suck on toys, eat cheerios, and look bored during song time.
Step Three- Apply- better send that 20,000 dollar a year check in with that application. Oh and would you like to add a donation to the temple with the check?

The Benefits? your kid will belong to this preschool and you can meet other range rover driving parents who have lofty career (err I mean kindergarten) aspirations for little Atticus and Georgia.

I really do love you Brentwood and the creatures that call you home. The reality is that I am simply too cheap to follow your ways and bitter I hadn't thought of the name Atticus earlier. Atticus Osman..now there is a name that is going places.

Happy Anniversary From Your Neurotic Wife

Today marks my 3rd Anniversary with Lawrence. Here is my public apology to him as he slowly learns the things about me he did NOT sign up for.

1. I do not recap my toothpaste- this is a real spot of contention..why the hell should I put the cap back on tightly when I am going to take it off again 12 hours later? Yeah there is probably that bacteria argument but I am just fine..cough cough.

2. I am a neurotic mother- I freaked out because Levi had a left hand preference at 3 months..then I told the pediatrician he would never crawl at 6 months..he crawled two weeks later. Of course I still think he has brain damage from having the cord wrapped around his neck twice at birth and looking like a smurf- this will not be resolved fully until I see his first grade report card, high school transcripts, AP test results, and
SAT score- you get the idea.

3. I enjoy to watch the FOOD network- I just can't get enough..Best Thing I Ever Ate, Chopped, Cupcake Wars, Iron Chef..yet I can't cook worth CRAP...oh the irony.Sorry about that.

4. I really hate your TV Shows- Yes Lawrence you know I really hate the Simpsons. I am not sure how many 38 year old men record the Simpsons everyday and if this is normal activity but I can't get over the fact those damn kids don't age. I even think Family Guy is not funny anymore. "Animation Domination"? More like Animation Abomination!

5. I like to eat dinner at 5 pm- Take me to old age home now why don't you? Early bird special? Check! I am sorry if it's not cool to arrive at Katsuya at 5pm..if they are even open then.

6. I like to sleep in your XL white tee shirts - A closet full of cute PJ's? Even "sexy" ones that people gave me as presents..check. Well sorry but after a kid..that drawer might as well be filled with cook books because I will never use it.

Oh Isn't Wedded Bliss Wonderful? :)

13 is the magic number!

Well since I secretly stalk everybody else's family blogs on the internet, I decided to put my abilities to work and start a family blog so our children can look back in utter shame about the things I put out for the world to see. Sorry!

Levi is now 13 months old and I am 13 weeks pregnant with a buddy for Levi to pick on. He will thank me one day. Levi is all sorts of crazy fun these days! He is walking around like a champ and makes a lot of primal dinosaur sounds like "oooh ahhhhh!!!"" because he gets so excited about things. He decided not to strain his nogin by developing a large vocabulary but instead uses the word "THIS" to describe everything he sees and wants. It's actually quite genius if you ask me although I am sure child development experts might disagree. If if was writing his column on an internet dating website I would say his interests involve: long walks in his power car, hugging his stuffed animals, saying "HI" randomly, and turning on and off water faucets and flushing toilets. And ladies (he likes younger women in the 10 month range) interested in this let me know. Levi is clearly going to take after his mama and become a distance runner..he is average height but likes to hover around the 8th percentile in weight by maintaining a steady diet of ONLY eggs, milk, fruit, and goldfish crackers. Any other food is thrown large distances off the high chair.

Baby #2 is giving me no trouble at all despite acne and the fact that he or she started showing VERY early. My stomach muscles have clearly thrown in the towel from Levi and are saying, "bring it"! I am not sure how I will handle having two babies under two but I am sure medication and alcohol will be involved at some point- I jest, I jest...in theory.

Baby #2 in action at 12 weeks

 Me and my sister-in-law Rochelle on New Year's Eve..we are due one month apart!

Our little fam on Christmas Eve at my Aunts..yes we are still Jewish.

 

Levi throwing the ball a few weeks ago